humanities
A New Day For Nothing (17 September 2014)
It did not matter that I had a pulse. I was already dead inside. Stressed. Confused. Overwhelmed. “Do you regret it?” I told them what they wanted to hear, but why would I do it if I didn’t actually want to succeed? They said I was sick, that I need professional help to fight the delusions that still hold my brain hostage.
I used to be normal. I was a relatively happy in middle school, and even though my life wasn’t perfect, I was on top of the world. I went to a reputable private school since before kindergarten, was very well rounded, and active in my community. Even after my mind turned against me, I was able to push through long enough to thrive in my first stretch of high school. I played varsity for both cheerleading and basketball, maintained a 3.5 GPA, played multiple instruments in many of the school music groups, and logged in over 225 hours of community service because I wanted to.
I’m not sure what the very first domino was, but it hit me hard. I wasn’t expecting to sink so low. I didn’t think I’d give up food just to impress the people who hurt me most. I never thought it would be me opening my flesh to release the pain that cannot be seen. Waking up everyday felt like running a marathon because I knew the misery that the day would bring. Looking in the mirror, pinching every piece of fat, deciding if I allow myself even water to start the day. I knew I would go to school with my facade. I had to pretend that I cared about what the teacher said and the work that had to be done. Most of the time, I was trying to catch up on sleep that hardly existed through the night. I had to pretend that I didn’t care what my peers thought of me even though their opinion meant everything to me.
I knew what I was doing that November night. I just wanted everything to stop. The possible change for the better wasn’t worth waiting for. Nothing could change my mind when the pills started calling to me. One by one, the soldiers marched into my mouth and down my throat. I was finally at peace.
Last year’s holiday season gave me a lot of what I did not want, starting with the gift of life. The first few days were a blur, but if my sister never found me, I would have been dead before a trace of sunlight could appear. My mind continued on its plummet to insanity. Even though I wanted so badly to behave and discharge before Christmas so I could spend time with my extended family, I just could not shake the madness that gripped my soul firmly. Hanukkah in a locked ward, Christmas with a feeding tube down my throat, and my birthday in a residential treatment facility, not that my birth is something worth celebrating.
Almost a year later and I still find myself struggling. I wish I could say that I’m cured, that I’m not forced to wake up to another day of nothing. Groups, plenty of meds, and therapy, lots of therapy is supposed to yield happy teen. Maybe one day I’ll live life, not just survive it.
It did not matter that I had a pulse. I was already dead inside. Stressed. Confused. Overwhelmed. “Do you regret it?” I told them what they wanted to hear, but why would I do it if I didn’t actually want to succeed? They said I was sick, that I need professional help to fight the delusions that still hold my brain hostage.
I used to be normal. I was a relatively happy in middle school, and even though my life wasn’t perfect, I was on top of the world. I went to a reputable private school since before kindergarten, was very well rounded, and active in my community. Even after my mind turned against me, I was able to push through long enough to thrive in my first stretch of high school. I played varsity for both cheerleading and basketball, maintained a 3.5 GPA, played multiple instruments in many of the school music groups, and logged in over 225 hours of community service because I wanted to.
I’m not sure what the very first domino was, but it hit me hard. I wasn’t expecting to sink so low. I didn’t think I’d give up food just to impress the people who hurt me most. I never thought it would be me opening my flesh to release the pain that cannot be seen. Waking up everyday felt like running a marathon because I knew the misery that the day would bring. Looking in the mirror, pinching every piece of fat, deciding if I allow myself even water to start the day. I knew I would go to school with my facade. I had to pretend that I cared about what the teacher said and the work that had to be done. Most of the time, I was trying to catch up on sleep that hardly existed through the night. I had to pretend that I didn’t care what my peers thought of me even though their opinion meant everything to me.
I knew what I was doing that November night. I just wanted everything to stop. The possible change for the better wasn’t worth waiting for. Nothing could change my mind when the pills started calling to me. One by one, the soldiers marched into my mouth and down my throat. I was finally at peace.
Last year’s holiday season gave me a lot of what I did not want, starting with the gift of life. The first few days were a blur, but if my sister never found me, I would have been dead before a trace of sunlight could appear. My mind continued on its plummet to insanity. Even though I wanted so badly to behave and discharge before Christmas so I could spend time with my extended family, I just could not shake the madness that gripped my soul firmly. Hanukkah in a locked ward, Christmas with a feeding tube down my throat, and my birthday in a residential treatment facility, not that my birth is something worth celebrating.
Almost a year later and I still find myself struggling. I wish I could say that I’m cured, that I’m not forced to wake up to another day of nothing. Groups, plenty of meds, and therapy, lots of therapy is supposed to yield happy teen. Maybe one day I’ll live life, not just survive it.
A Head Start (Fall 2014)
It’s not fair! I’ve studied my ass off for a month for this midterm. I even missed your birthday dinner, and for what? A B+! And to make it worse, Bri got an A… plus! That’s a whole grade above me and how much did she study? She didn’t! She was too busy doing God knows what with her boyfriend, Brandon. Why does school come so easy for her? She sure fakes stupid pretty well.
I run my fingers through my silky blonde hair that covers my sea green eyes. An exact match to my sister who also stands five and a half feet tall with a slightly slimmed figure. We were born at the exact same time, yet we are so different. Bri parties hard and suppresses her hangovers with makeup and aspirin, while I spend all my time studying to make about the same grades. I’m normally good at school, but for some reason, my history teacher doesn’t like me this year. Yes, I’ll admit, I’m jealous of my perfect sister.
I sit on the curb ruminating on this when my step-mom pulls up. “Hey Kayli! Sorry I’m late, a regular patient came in and there was a problem with his insurance that I had to deal with.”
“It’s okay, Sheila” I know everything is more important than I am. Of course I keep that second part to myself. There’s no reason I need to cause more stress in her life. My drunk dad and her crazy patients already do that enough. Sheila is an on-call therapist at the ER.
I hop in the backseat. Sheila glances at me in the rear view mirror and says “How did the test go? I know you’ve been studying so hard. I see so many young people come in because they were just too stressed with school and work. It’s not good to worry so much.”
“It was fine and I’m fine and I have my next test in a week. It’s AP history and I’m a junior. I know what I signed up for,” I reply.
Great, now she gives another fake concerned look. “Your father is working late and your sister is with her team. How about a girls night out?” By working, she means going to a bar and coming home late if at all.
How about no? “Sorry I have to work on the extra credit and think of what to say when I talk to Mr. Stewart about the test tomorrow. Rain check?” How does never work? It’s a total lie. I’m too tired to do work tonight.
“Look, as a professional, I think you need this and there’s not too much left in the fridge.”
Don’t talk to me like one of your messed up patients, please. “I’ll ask Bri to bring me home some pizza.” Another lie that she seems to buy because she nods.
When I get home, I go to my room and close the door. I reach my hand into the underside of my pillowcase and go to the right corner. Finally, I find touch what I’m looking for. I pull out a small red pencil sharpener. When I pick it up, it rattles like a baby’s toy. I unzip my jeans and pull them down just enough to expose a small section of my hip that has dozens of slash marks. I add a few more to my collection and put the blade back in it’s place in my pillow where it will wait.
I wake up the next morning to my sister’s music blasting. I look over at the clock reading 7:05. Crap, I overslept. I walk into Bri’s room and ask, “why didn’t you wake me up?”
“Good morning to you too, Kay,” she says looking at me in the mirror while she covers herself in makeup. She knows I don’t go by Kay anymore. I haven’t since the stress of life took mom two years ago, and she knows it. I feel as if I’m about to cry when Bri adds “It’s not like you need that much time to look like a slob.” I let the tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them stay and wipe them up before they can escape. I don’t know if what she said hurts more than how true it is, but that’s not important right now. History is, and I still have to come up with a way to convince Mr. Stewart to let me make up some points.
I get to school right as the bell rings. I run to class, but when I try to open the door it’s locked. After getting a tardy slip, Bri and I walk into class. “Kayli, I see we’re tardy. Bri, looking lovely as always. Take your seat, it’s a surprise assessment today. You have five, three minutes now, to study.” Mr. Stewart doesn’t even bother looking up from the essays he’s grading. I go to my seat, take out my textbook, and start reading while Bri goes to her clique’s table and starts talking about who’s kissing who’s boyfriend and how unfair it is that we have a pop quiz. No problem, I’m prepared.
When lunch finally rolls around, I go to Mr. Stewart’s private office. He closes the door saying “Sit Kayli, we have a lot to talk about.” That makes me nervous, but I do it anyways. He waits until the door is fully closed. “I know you’ve been working hard in my class and I admire that, but it’s not enough. I mean, just look at your sister and how well she’s doing on all my tests.”
“Well in addition to working harder, is there any way I can make up some points?”
“As in extra credit?”
“Yes,” I nod.
“You know I don’t give extra credit.” He looks at me, “but there is something you can do for me. My girlfriend recently left me and I’ve been feeling kind of… well lonely. How about you do me a favor and I’ll return it?” Is he talking about what I think he is? He must have seen the confused look on my face because he says, “You don’t have to of course. You’re doing so well already. I don’t think any Ivy league schools will mind a B on your otherwise perfect transcript. Unless your grade somehow continues on this downward slope. I hope you were prepared for the assessment today. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see you in summer school.”
I know this is so inappropriate, but then, why does it make me feel so alive? He isn’t half bad looking and is what? Early thirties? He’s waiting for an answer. I feel my heart start to race. “Okay,” I say a little too enthusiastically. He gestures for me to get down on my knees and I obey.
After I’m done, I go to the bathroom to clean myself up before going to my next class. I’ve never felt so dirty and so rebellious in my life, and when I get my quiz back the next morning, I can’t help but smile. On the top of my paper, next to an A+, it says ‘Good Work!’
As I’m leaving class, Mr. Stewart smiles at me and asks me if I can stay and talk for a minute. “Sorry, I have to get to my next class. Can whatever we need to talk about wait until lunch?” I’m not actually lying, I do have a strict math teacher who won’t be happy if I’m tardy. More importantly, I’m worried that Mr. Stewart is going to say that I didn’t satisfy him and I’ll go back to being nothing again.
His smile wavers a bit, but he says “I can’t today at lunch, but if you could come tomorrow, that’ll work. It won’t take too long, I promise.” Relief floods through my body and I realize that I have been tensing all class. I’m not getting discarded, not today at least.
A couple weeks go by and everyday at lunch, I meet Mr. Stewart to supposedly talk about the material in more depth. There’s not much talking happening in our meetings, and that’s perfectly okay with me. When I go to his office today, the door is closed with a note that says he’s out of the office which it does everyday, so I knock anyways. No answer. I debate whether to stick around and wait for him to come back. It’s not uncommon for him to be late for our sessions, but after half my lunch ticks by, I decide to go to the library. I’ll try again tomorrow.
When I show up at his office the next day, he’s there. I ask, “Are you ready to help me study for the final? I was thinking we could go over the civil war.”
“Not today, Kayli. Sorry, I have a meeting.”
Although I’m curious, I know he wouldn’t lie to me, so I tell him I’ll be in the library if he gets out of the meeting early and wants to talk anyways.
I go and find my usual spot in the back right corner of the library and sit, taking out my history book. It’s an old habit that I keep doing even when I no longer need to. Now that I do other work for him, my grade in his class will be just as good as my sister’s, maybe even better. All without the help any school book can provide. I know he doesn’t love me, that he needs a distraction from the heartache his ex left him with, but the fact that he chose me, especially over Bri, just gives me hope that maybe this can turn into something more. Of course, if we’re caught, who knows what will happen. Will I get expelled?
Do I even care? I like this dark side of me that I didn’t even know existed. Maybe I did know it was in there, but I kept it hidden knowing that I could never be as desired as my sister. I hope one day Mr. Stewart will formally ask for us to be a thing. That he’ll be so pleased with everything I have to offer that he’ll want me in his life even after I’m eighteen and not in his class. It’s not that unrealistic, only a year away. Maybe he’ll finally take me where no one else wants to. I wonder what it’s like to go all the way.
My thoughts are interrupted by the bell that warns that lunch is ending. As I’m leaving the library, I see Ali, Bri’s former best friend, talking to some girl I don’t know. I’ll be honest, I never pegged Ali to be someone to hang out in the library, or even know where it is for that matter. As I walk by, they stop talking which means they’re probably talking about me or Bri, but I don’t care. I get talked about all the time and I’d probably agree with whatever is said about my sister.
She looks angry which I can’t blame her for, especially after Bri stole Brandon from her. Technically, they had already broken up, but when Ali went to her to vent about the breakup, Bri couldn’t even wait a full day before comforting him. It wasn’t with words either.
I overhear Ali’s not so subtle whisper. “Oh look, the whore’s sister.” I roll my eyes and keep walking. She’s hurt, I get it. Besides, I know what my sister does behind closed doors.
The next morning in class, I ask Mr. Stewart if he will be available at lunch and when he says no, I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to break things off with me. I know he thinks we need to be more careful and not get caught, but is that just an excuse not to see me? I thought we were doing so well. I know it sounds clingy, but he’s the best thing that’s happened in my life and I don’t know what I’d do if he rejected me. Could my heart handle being lonely again?
The bell rings. Mr. Stewart stands up at his desk and says “We’re having a cumulative assessment coming up, so I hope you’re all studying. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” No sweat, I don’t need to study. I look around the room and find that most of the eyes are looking in the same direction. I turn my head to see who’s the cause of these stares and see my face, except it’s not. It’s Bri’s.
Why is everyone looking at her? Normally, I would guess that Brandon doesn’t believe in the ‘Don’t fuck and tell’ rule, but Bri would tell me if she lost her virginity, right? I know we try to avoid each other, but that’s not something you keep from your twin. Finally, curiosity gets the best of me and I have to ask. I go directly to Ali and ask, “what’s up with all the death stares my sister got in class today?”
She rolls her eyes “As if you don’t already know.” Obviously I wouldn’t be asking if I did, but I keep my mouth shut and wait for her to continue. “There are rumors that she’s… you know… with Mr. Stewart.”
Holy crap! Someone must’ve seen me go into his room and assumed it was Bri, and when she’s involved, everyone always assumes sex. That’s probably why I haven’t met with Mr. Stewart recently. Oh my god! This can’t be happening. Did I just ruin my sister’s relationship with her boyfriend too? Does he even know? Does she even know? Never mind, of course she knows. What have I done? What have I-
“Kayli! Kayli! Are you okay?” I nod trying to act casual, but my brain is racing too fast for me to fully hear her. “I can’t believe you’re just hearing it now. Practically the whole school is talking about it. Well… At least the people who actually matter. No offense... Anyways, I’m going to be late for class, so I’m gonna go.”
All through math, my head tries to process this new information. I could let my sister take the fall, but then I won’t be able to see Mr. Stewart privately again. How can I make this work? I have to hear what Bri thinks of these false accusations, but that can wait.
I fully intend to figure out what to do with Mr. Stewart, but when I go to his office for our private tutoring, I forget how to speak. As soon as the door closes I start to pull my shirt over my head. I so need this right now. I wait for the sound of the lock clicking before I dare take my pants off, but it never comes. I look up to see him standing there pondering something. Do I dare ask him what’s wrong? I’m not going to lie, his worry lines are kind of sexy.
“Kayli, I don’t think this is going to work.” He doesn’t look up.
“What?” I feel myself start to tear a little. I let it roll down my cheek and it takes a few more before he looks at me. Are we over?
His eyes refuse to meet mine. “Look, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors about your sister floating around your peers.” He looks sad, scared even.
“Please Mr. Stewart. We can make this work. We have made this work. I’ll be careful, I promise! Don’t leave me like everyone else does.” My voice breaks a little and some of my tears wipe onto my shirt as I put it back on. Even my tears don’t want to be with me. I can’t be here in this office right now.
I start to leave when I hear “Wait.” I turn around with a glimmer of hope in my eye. He snuffs it out quickly. “Maybe you should make yourself look a little more presentable before you leave. I’d hate for someone to see you come out of my office looking like a wreck.” Are you kidding me? Despite his warning, I leave anyways and go to the bathroom. I spend the rest of lunch there and when I go to class twenty minutes later, everything seems to be back to normal. I’m still the nothing that sneaks in undetected, and I okay with that for once. It gives me more space to be with myself.
After school, I go to the soccer field to find Bri. She’s standing on the sideline alone getting water when I walk up. “Hey Bri, can we talk?”
She must have seen something was wrong or really needed a friend because instead of the typical eye roll, she nods and follows me behind the bleachers. “What’s up, Kay?”
I cringe at the name, but it doesn’t bother me as much as before. Maybe it’s because I want to feel like I’m talking to mom again, or maybe just because that’s not my top priority right now. I can’t confess just yet, so I ask, “Are you okay? I heard about the rumors and I’ve seen all the dirty looks you’ve been getting. If I were in your position, I’d be feeling pretty shitty too. Have you talked to Brandon about it yet? Did you tell him that they’re not true?”
I search her eyes for annoyance. Her eyes water a little, but she forces them back and replies, “You’re the last person I want to discuss this with, but I’m kind of out of options. My friends won’t talk to me, Brandon thinks I’m disloyal, and everyone else thinks I’m a slut.” She sniffles a little. “And they’re right. I did it with Aaron, but it was only once, I promise. It was right before the midterm. He said he was lonely because he got dumped and I offered to take that away in exchange for an A on my test. Plus, I figured I could use the experience so that I’m ready for my first time with Brandon. He said I did so well, that he decided to give me an A+. After that, I felt guilty and told him I couldn’t do it ever again. He was hurt, but understood.” She crumbles to the artificial grass and I crumble with her.
Did she just say she slept with Mr. Stewart? MY Mr. Stewart? Why are they on a first name basis? Was I just a rebound of the rebound? He and my sister? My twin? Anger boils inside me and I feel like someone took control over my limbs. I slap Bri in the face with trembling hands.
“What the fuck was that for?!” I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard her swear. I walk away without saying anything and she doesn’t come after me.
I call Sheila to come pick me up. She has the day off today and there’s no way I’m riding home with Bri. I get in the car and try to dodge the usual question of how my day was by saying “I don’t feel well. I have a stomach ache, so please just let me rest.” The first part is true.
“I’m sorry you feel bad, I’m here to help. Do you want to talk about anything?” She doesn’t care. She’s just trying to be polite.
“I told you. My stomach hurts, so stop!” That came out harsher than I intended, but I don’t care.
When I get home I go straight to my room and close the door. I empty the contents of my pillowcase. I open the container concealing my savior. I sit down on my bed, roll up my sleeves, and press the blade to my right wrist. The cool blade shakes against my skin.
One clean stroke later and blood starts to come out. At first it beads, but a second stroke on top of the first reveals a perfect line of blood. Two more and it flows like a river. It’s not enough. I switch to the other side and start the process over. I feel my head starting to get light and I have to fight some tears back. It hurts, but I’m pretty sure the tears aren’t from that. I open my desk drawer and scramble to find a pen and paper. I can’t live in the shadows of my sister anymore. When I find what I’m looking for, eternal sleep whispers in my ear. It tells me that it’s time to join my mother. I obey, but not before I scribble a final message.
I’m sorry.
-Kay
It’s not fair! I’ve studied my ass off for a month for this midterm. I even missed your birthday dinner, and for what? A B+! And to make it worse, Bri got an A… plus! That’s a whole grade above me and how much did she study? She didn’t! She was too busy doing God knows what with her boyfriend, Brandon. Why does school come so easy for her? She sure fakes stupid pretty well.
I run my fingers through my silky blonde hair that covers my sea green eyes. An exact match to my sister who also stands five and a half feet tall with a slightly slimmed figure. We were born at the exact same time, yet we are so different. Bri parties hard and suppresses her hangovers with makeup and aspirin, while I spend all my time studying to make about the same grades. I’m normally good at school, but for some reason, my history teacher doesn’t like me this year. Yes, I’ll admit, I’m jealous of my perfect sister.
I sit on the curb ruminating on this when my step-mom pulls up. “Hey Kayli! Sorry I’m late, a regular patient came in and there was a problem with his insurance that I had to deal with.”
“It’s okay, Sheila” I know everything is more important than I am. Of course I keep that second part to myself. There’s no reason I need to cause more stress in her life. My drunk dad and her crazy patients already do that enough. Sheila is an on-call therapist at the ER.
I hop in the backseat. Sheila glances at me in the rear view mirror and says “How did the test go? I know you’ve been studying so hard. I see so many young people come in because they were just too stressed with school and work. It’s not good to worry so much.”
“It was fine and I’m fine and I have my next test in a week. It’s AP history and I’m a junior. I know what I signed up for,” I reply.
Great, now she gives another fake concerned look. “Your father is working late and your sister is with her team. How about a girls night out?” By working, she means going to a bar and coming home late if at all.
How about no? “Sorry I have to work on the extra credit and think of what to say when I talk to Mr. Stewart about the test tomorrow. Rain check?” How does never work? It’s a total lie. I’m too tired to do work tonight.
“Look, as a professional, I think you need this and there’s not too much left in the fridge.”
Don’t talk to me like one of your messed up patients, please. “I’ll ask Bri to bring me home some pizza.” Another lie that she seems to buy because she nods.
When I get home, I go to my room and close the door. I reach my hand into the underside of my pillowcase and go to the right corner. Finally, I find touch what I’m looking for. I pull out a small red pencil sharpener. When I pick it up, it rattles like a baby’s toy. I unzip my jeans and pull them down just enough to expose a small section of my hip that has dozens of slash marks. I add a few more to my collection and put the blade back in it’s place in my pillow where it will wait.
I wake up the next morning to my sister’s music blasting. I look over at the clock reading 7:05. Crap, I overslept. I walk into Bri’s room and ask, “why didn’t you wake me up?”
“Good morning to you too, Kay,” she says looking at me in the mirror while she covers herself in makeup. She knows I don’t go by Kay anymore. I haven’t since the stress of life took mom two years ago, and she knows it. I feel as if I’m about to cry when Bri adds “It’s not like you need that much time to look like a slob.” I let the tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them stay and wipe them up before they can escape. I don’t know if what she said hurts more than how true it is, but that’s not important right now. History is, and I still have to come up with a way to convince Mr. Stewart to let me make up some points.
I get to school right as the bell rings. I run to class, but when I try to open the door it’s locked. After getting a tardy slip, Bri and I walk into class. “Kayli, I see we’re tardy. Bri, looking lovely as always. Take your seat, it’s a surprise assessment today. You have five, three minutes now, to study.” Mr. Stewart doesn’t even bother looking up from the essays he’s grading. I go to my seat, take out my textbook, and start reading while Bri goes to her clique’s table and starts talking about who’s kissing who’s boyfriend and how unfair it is that we have a pop quiz. No problem, I’m prepared.
When lunch finally rolls around, I go to Mr. Stewart’s private office. He closes the door saying “Sit Kayli, we have a lot to talk about.” That makes me nervous, but I do it anyways. He waits until the door is fully closed. “I know you’ve been working hard in my class and I admire that, but it’s not enough. I mean, just look at your sister and how well she’s doing on all my tests.”
“Well in addition to working harder, is there any way I can make up some points?”
“As in extra credit?”
“Yes,” I nod.
“You know I don’t give extra credit.” He looks at me, “but there is something you can do for me. My girlfriend recently left me and I’ve been feeling kind of… well lonely. How about you do me a favor and I’ll return it?” Is he talking about what I think he is? He must have seen the confused look on my face because he says, “You don’t have to of course. You’re doing so well already. I don’t think any Ivy league schools will mind a B on your otherwise perfect transcript. Unless your grade somehow continues on this downward slope. I hope you were prepared for the assessment today. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see you in summer school.”
I know this is so inappropriate, but then, why does it make me feel so alive? He isn’t half bad looking and is what? Early thirties? He’s waiting for an answer. I feel my heart start to race. “Okay,” I say a little too enthusiastically. He gestures for me to get down on my knees and I obey.
After I’m done, I go to the bathroom to clean myself up before going to my next class. I’ve never felt so dirty and so rebellious in my life, and when I get my quiz back the next morning, I can’t help but smile. On the top of my paper, next to an A+, it says ‘Good Work!’
As I’m leaving class, Mr. Stewart smiles at me and asks me if I can stay and talk for a minute. “Sorry, I have to get to my next class. Can whatever we need to talk about wait until lunch?” I’m not actually lying, I do have a strict math teacher who won’t be happy if I’m tardy. More importantly, I’m worried that Mr. Stewart is going to say that I didn’t satisfy him and I’ll go back to being nothing again.
His smile wavers a bit, but he says “I can’t today at lunch, but if you could come tomorrow, that’ll work. It won’t take too long, I promise.” Relief floods through my body and I realize that I have been tensing all class. I’m not getting discarded, not today at least.
A couple weeks go by and everyday at lunch, I meet Mr. Stewart to supposedly talk about the material in more depth. There’s not much talking happening in our meetings, and that’s perfectly okay with me. When I go to his office today, the door is closed with a note that says he’s out of the office which it does everyday, so I knock anyways. No answer. I debate whether to stick around and wait for him to come back. It’s not uncommon for him to be late for our sessions, but after half my lunch ticks by, I decide to go to the library. I’ll try again tomorrow.
When I show up at his office the next day, he’s there. I ask, “Are you ready to help me study for the final? I was thinking we could go over the civil war.”
“Not today, Kayli. Sorry, I have a meeting.”
Although I’m curious, I know he wouldn’t lie to me, so I tell him I’ll be in the library if he gets out of the meeting early and wants to talk anyways.
I go and find my usual spot in the back right corner of the library and sit, taking out my history book. It’s an old habit that I keep doing even when I no longer need to. Now that I do other work for him, my grade in his class will be just as good as my sister’s, maybe even better. All without the help any school book can provide. I know he doesn’t love me, that he needs a distraction from the heartache his ex left him with, but the fact that he chose me, especially over Bri, just gives me hope that maybe this can turn into something more. Of course, if we’re caught, who knows what will happen. Will I get expelled?
Do I even care? I like this dark side of me that I didn’t even know existed. Maybe I did know it was in there, but I kept it hidden knowing that I could never be as desired as my sister. I hope one day Mr. Stewart will formally ask for us to be a thing. That he’ll be so pleased with everything I have to offer that he’ll want me in his life even after I’m eighteen and not in his class. It’s not that unrealistic, only a year away. Maybe he’ll finally take me where no one else wants to. I wonder what it’s like to go all the way.
My thoughts are interrupted by the bell that warns that lunch is ending. As I’m leaving the library, I see Ali, Bri’s former best friend, talking to some girl I don’t know. I’ll be honest, I never pegged Ali to be someone to hang out in the library, or even know where it is for that matter. As I walk by, they stop talking which means they’re probably talking about me or Bri, but I don’t care. I get talked about all the time and I’d probably agree with whatever is said about my sister.
She looks angry which I can’t blame her for, especially after Bri stole Brandon from her. Technically, they had already broken up, but when Ali went to her to vent about the breakup, Bri couldn’t even wait a full day before comforting him. It wasn’t with words either.
I overhear Ali’s not so subtle whisper. “Oh look, the whore’s sister.” I roll my eyes and keep walking. She’s hurt, I get it. Besides, I know what my sister does behind closed doors.
The next morning in class, I ask Mr. Stewart if he will be available at lunch and when he says no, I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to break things off with me. I know he thinks we need to be more careful and not get caught, but is that just an excuse not to see me? I thought we were doing so well. I know it sounds clingy, but he’s the best thing that’s happened in my life and I don’t know what I’d do if he rejected me. Could my heart handle being lonely again?
The bell rings. Mr. Stewart stands up at his desk and says “We’re having a cumulative assessment coming up, so I hope you’re all studying. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” No sweat, I don’t need to study. I look around the room and find that most of the eyes are looking in the same direction. I turn my head to see who’s the cause of these stares and see my face, except it’s not. It’s Bri’s.
Why is everyone looking at her? Normally, I would guess that Brandon doesn’t believe in the ‘Don’t fuck and tell’ rule, but Bri would tell me if she lost her virginity, right? I know we try to avoid each other, but that’s not something you keep from your twin. Finally, curiosity gets the best of me and I have to ask. I go directly to Ali and ask, “what’s up with all the death stares my sister got in class today?”
She rolls her eyes “As if you don’t already know.” Obviously I wouldn’t be asking if I did, but I keep my mouth shut and wait for her to continue. “There are rumors that she’s… you know… with Mr. Stewart.”
Holy crap! Someone must’ve seen me go into his room and assumed it was Bri, and when she’s involved, everyone always assumes sex. That’s probably why I haven’t met with Mr. Stewart recently. Oh my god! This can’t be happening. Did I just ruin my sister’s relationship with her boyfriend too? Does he even know? Does she even know? Never mind, of course she knows. What have I done? What have I-
“Kayli! Kayli! Are you okay?” I nod trying to act casual, but my brain is racing too fast for me to fully hear her. “I can’t believe you’re just hearing it now. Practically the whole school is talking about it. Well… At least the people who actually matter. No offense... Anyways, I’m going to be late for class, so I’m gonna go.”
All through math, my head tries to process this new information. I could let my sister take the fall, but then I won’t be able to see Mr. Stewart privately again. How can I make this work? I have to hear what Bri thinks of these false accusations, but that can wait.
I fully intend to figure out what to do with Mr. Stewart, but when I go to his office for our private tutoring, I forget how to speak. As soon as the door closes I start to pull my shirt over my head. I so need this right now. I wait for the sound of the lock clicking before I dare take my pants off, but it never comes. I look up to see him standing there pondering something. Do I dare ask him what’s wrong? I’m not going to lie, his worry lines are kind of sexy.
“Kayli, I don’t think this is going to work.” He doesn’t look up.
“What?” I feel myself start to tear a little. I let it roll down my cheek and it takes a few more before he looks at me. Are we over?
His eyes refuse to meet mine. “Look, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors about your sister floating around your peers.” He looks sad, scared even.
“Please Mr. Stewart. We can make this work. We have made this work. I’ll be careful, I promise! Don’t leave me like everyone else does.” My voice breaks a little and some of my tears wipe onto my shirt as I put it back on. Even my tears don’t want to be with me. I can’t be here in this office right now.
I start to leave when I hear “Wait.” I turn around with a glimmer of hope in my eye. He snuffs it out quickly. “Maybe you should make yourself look a little more presentable before you leave. I’d hate for someone to see you come out of my office looking like a wreck.” Are you kidding me? Despite his warning, I leave anyways and go to the bathroom. I spend the rest of lunch there and when I go to class twenty minutes later, everything seems to be back to normal. I’m still the nothing that sneaks in undetected, and I okay with that for once. It gives me more space to be with myself.
After school, I go to the soccer field to find Bri. She’s standing on the sideline alone getting water when I walk up. “Hey Bri, can we talk?”
She must have seen something was wrong or really needed a friend because instead of the typical eye roll, she nods and follows me behind the bleachers. “What’s up, Kay?”
I cringe at the name, but it doesn’t bother me as much as before. Maybe it’s because I want to feel like I’m talking to mom again, or maybe just because that’s not my top priority right now. I can’t confess just yet, so I ask, “Are you okay? I heard about the rumors and I’ve seen all the dirty looks you’ve been getting. If I were in your position, I’d be feeling pretty shitty too. Have you talked to Brandon about it yet? Did you tell him that they’re not true?”
I search her eyes for annoyance. Her eyes water a little, but she forces them back and replies, “You’re the last person I want to discuss this with, but I’m kind of out of options. My friends won’t talk to me, Brandon thinks I’m disloyal, and everyone else thinks I’m a slut.” She sniffles a little. “And they’re right. I did it with Aaron, but it was only once, I promise. It was right before the midterm. He said he was lonely because he got dumped and I offered to take that away in exchange for an A on my test. Plus, I figured I could use the experience so that I’m ready for my first time with Brandon. He said I did so well, that he decided to give me an A+. After that, I felt guilty and told him I couldn’t do it ever again. He was hurt, but understood.” She crumbles to the artificial grass and I crumble with her.
Did she just say she slept with Mr. Stewart? MY Mr. Stewart? Why are they on a first name basis? Was I just a rebound of the rebound? He and my sister? My twin? Anger boils inside me and I feel like someone took control over my limbs. I slap Bri in the face with trembling hands.
“What the fuck was that for?!” I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard her swear. I walk away without saying anything and she doesn’t come after me.
I call Sheila to come pick me up. She has the day off today and there’s no way I’m riding home with Bri. I get in the car and try to dodge the usual question of how my day was by saying “I don’t feel well. I have a stomach ache, so please just let me rest.” The first part is true.
“I’m sorry you feel bad, I’m here to help. Do you want to talk about anything?” She doesn’t care. She’s just trying to be polite.
“I told you. My stomach hurts, so stop!” That came out harsher than I intended, but I don’t care.
When I get home I go straight to my room and close the door. I empty the contents of my pillowcase. I open the container concealing my savior. I sit down on my bed, roll up my sleeves, and press the blade to my right wrist. The cool blade shakes against my skin.
One clean stroke later and blood starts to come out. At first it beads, but a second stroke on top of the first reveals a perfect line of blood. Two more and it flows like a river. It’s not enough. I switch to the other side and start the process over. I feel my head starting to get light and I have to fight some tears back. It hurts, but I’m pretty sure the tears aren’t from that. I open my desk drawer and scramble to find a pen and paper. I can’t live in the shadows of my sister anymore. When I find what I’m looking for, eternal sleep whispers in my ear. It tells me that it’s time to join my mother. I obey, but not before I scribble a final message.
I’m sorry.
-Kay
Religion During the Elizabethan Era (8 June 2015)
England is a country with a rich history. One of the most influential periods was during the Elizabethan Era which is commonly referred to as the Golden Age. During this span of time between 1558 and 1603, exploration, entertainment, and literature thrived. The works of William Shakespeare took shape during this period, and his plays are still valued today. However, religious conflict made Queen Elizabeth I’s job difficult.
Many problems surrounding religion that Queen Elizabeth faced started before her reign. King Henry VIII started the Anglican Church after asking Pope Clement VII to divorce his wife, Catherine of Aragon. The king believed that their marriage was cursed because she was previously married to his brother. According to Leviticus 20:21, “if a man marries his brother’s wife, it is an act of impurity; he has dishonored his brother. They will be childless” (“The Bible”). Unfortunately for Henry, the pope denied the annulment which prompted the king to break off from the Catholic Church. England remained Protestant until the death of his son, King Edward VI. Then, Edward’s eldest sister, Mary, became queen. She converted England back to Catholicism. Upon Queen Mary’s death, King Henry VIII’s daughter, Elizabeth, inherited the throne. Even though she was a strong Protestant, she was very tolerant of Catholicism. Before becoming queen, there was a lot of persecution toward Protestants in England. Queen Elizabeth ended that.
While striving to address the religious differences of the people, Queen Elizabeth’s first act as monarch was enforcing the Religious Settlement. The first part of this law was called the Act of Supremacy which addressed the issue of her religious title. “Head of Church” was changed to “Supreme Governor of the Church of England” because Catholic people found women to be inferior spiritually (Sharnette). Therefore, most of them felt that having a female “Head of Church” was unacceptable. It was also because they believed that only the pope could be the true head of Church. This first act also demanded that all people in a position of power, both politically and religiously, must swear allegiance to their queen. The second part of the Religious Settlement, the Act of Unity, was the fusion of the two religions. At services, everyone used “The Book of Common Prayer” which was in English in contrast to the Bible which was in Latin. The wording during services was vague enough that it could easily apply to everyone. Attending church weekly was not mandatory, but a fine would be collected from those who did not go, regardless of the person’s religious preferences. The money collected by this fine would then go toward helping the less fortunate. In the beginning, the Religious Settlement proved very helpful in making England Protestant, while still incorporating Catholic aspects.
Queen Elizabeth’s religious compromises retained peace for the first decade, but that did not last. In 1570, Pope Pius V passed the Regnans in Excelsis, a law saying that people no longer had to listen to what the queen said. He believed that Queen Elizabeth was not entitled to the throne because King Henry VIII was not authorized to marry Anne Boleyn. Since Elizabeth was the daughter of the king and Anne, that made Elizabeth illegitimate according to the pope. After this, many Catholics felt conflicted in regards to their loyalties. Their religion was very important to them, so they felt morally obligated to listen to the pope. Despite that, a lot of them loved their queen and did not want to go against her (Sharnette). Although the religious situation had flaws, it was significantly better than after Queen Elizabeth’s excommunication.
The tension surrounding religion prompted some Catholics to plot against Queen Elizabeth. Mary, Queen of Scots, wanted to take over the throne and make England Catholic. She was put on trial and convicted for plotting to assassinate Queen Elizabeth. Another well-known assassination attempt against Queen Elizabeth involved King Philip II of Spain. His initial plan was to invade the kingdom and free Mary, Queen Of Scots. However, after Mary’s execution, the King decided that he was going to force Queen Elizabeth to abdicate the throne and make all of England Catholic again. King Philip II sent his ships to England, but Queen Elizabeth successfully destroyed his fleet and his plans. Throughout her reign, there were other plots to either drive her from the throne or kill her.
Religion, and the conflict surrounding it, played a big role during the Golden Age. Opinions were passionate, not just regarding religion. Passion during the Golden Age spilled over into other areas of society. Growth and imagination in business and finance, the art and music worlds, and the cloth industry flourished. The Elizabethan Era was a big part of shaping England then, and its creativity is still felt and enjoyed today.
England is a country with a rich history. One of the most influential periods was during the Elizabethan Era which is commonly referred to as the Golden Age. During this span of time between 1558 and 1603, exploration, entertainment, and literature thrived. The works of William Shakespeare took shape during this period, and his plays are still valued today. However, religious conflict made Queen Elizabeth I’s job difficult.
Many problems surrounding religion that Queen Elizabeth faced started before her reign. King Henry VIII started the Anglican Church after asking Pope Clement VII to divorce his wife, Catherine of Aragon. The king believed that their marriage was cursed because she was previously married to his brother. According to Leviticus 20:21, “if a man marries his brother’s wife, it is an act of impurity; he has dishonored his brother. They will be childless” (“The Bible”). Unfortunately for Henry, the pope denied the annulment which prompted the king to break off from the Catholic Church. England remained Protestant until the death of his son, King Edward VI. Then, Edward’s eldest sister, Mary, became queen. She converted England back to Catholicism. Upon Queen Mary’s death, King Henry VIII’s daughter, Elizabeth, inherited the throne. Even though she was a strong Protestant, she was very tolerant of Catholicism. Before becoming queen, there was a lot of persecution toward Protestants in England. Queen Elizabeth ended that.
While striving to address the religious differences of the people, Queen Elizabeth’s first act as monarch was enforcing the Religious Settlement. The first part of this law was called the Act of Supremacy which addressed the issue of her religious title. “Head of Church” was changed to “Supreme Governor of the Church of England” because Catholic people found women to be inferior spiritually (Sharnette). Therefore, most of them felt that having a female “Head of Church” was unacceptable. It was also because they believed that only the pope could be the true head of Church. This first act also demanded that all people in a position of power, both politically and religiously, must swear allegiance to their queen. The second part of the Religious Settlement, the Act of Unity, was the fusion of the two religions. At services, everyone used “The Book of Common Prayer” which was in English in contrast to the Bible which was in Latin. The wording during services was vague enough that it could easily apply to everyone. Attending church weekly was not mandatory, but a fine would be collected from those who did not go, regardless of the person’s religious preferences. The money collected by this fine would then go toward helping the less fortunate. In the beginning, the Religious Settlement proved very helpful in making England Protestant, while still incorporating Catholic aspects.
Queen Elizabeth’s religious compromises retained peace for the first decade, but that did not last. In 1570, Pope Pius V passed the Regnans in Excelsis, a law saying that people no longer had to listen to what the queen said. He believed that Queen Elizabeth was not entitled to the throne because King Henry VIII was not authorized to marry Anne Boleyn. Since Elizabeth was the daughter of the king and Anne, that made Elizabeth illegitimate according to the pope. After this, many Catholics felt conflicted in regards to their loyalties. Their religion was very important to them, so they felt morally obligated to listen to the pope. Despite that, a lot of them loved their queen and did not want to go against her (Sharnette). Although the religious situation had flaws, it was significantly better than after Queen Elizabeth’s excommunication.
The tension surrounding religion prompted some Catholics to plot against Queen Elizabeth. Mary, Queen of Scots, wanted to take over the throne and make England Catholic. She was put on trial and convicted for plotting to assassinate Queen Elizabeth. Another well-known assassination attempt against Queen Elizabeth involved King Philip II of Spain. His initial plan was to invade the kingdom and free Mary, Queen Of Scots. However, after Mary’s execution, the King decided that he was going to force Queen Elizabeth to abdicate the throne and make all of England Catholic again. King Philip II sent his ships to England, but Queen Elizabeth successfully destroyed his fleet and his plans. Throughout her reign, there were other plots to either drive her from the throne or kill her.
Religion, and the conflict surrounding it, played a big role during the Golden Age. Opinions were passionate, not just regarding religion. Passion during the Golden Age spilled over into other areas of society. Growth and imagination in business and finance, the art and music worlds, and the cloth industry flourished. The Elizabethan Era was a big part of shaping England then, and its creativity is still felt and enjoyed today.
Chemistry
Water Depletion (16 November 2014)
16 November 2014
The population of the world has about doubled in the last half century, but resources are not replenishing at the same rate. Places such as Central Valley, California, that are impacted by the California drought, heavily rely on the use of aquifers.
The wells are described as saving accounts that are drawn from when times call, but they need to be replenished. Farmers remain optimistic that this will happen after the drought ends, but some aquifers will take 10-100s of years to fill back to their original amount.
Currently, drilling into the ground twice as deep as before is required to keep up with the demand of farmers which is about the length of the Empire State Building. Professionals are consistently measuring the groundwater levels by dropping a tape measure into holes. When one hole was measured, it showed a five foot drop in the span of only a month.
Previously, tape measures were the only means of measuring this data, but a 2002 experimental program called GRACE (Gravity Recovery and Climate Experiment) has proven successful. GRACE has two satellites that relay the gravitational pull throughout the earth. Water has mass, so it affects the gravitational pull which can produce a map the water level around the globe.
A director of national intelligence reported in 2012 that “many countries important to the United States will experience water problems that will risk instability and state failure…” He continues by expressing the fear that water could be used as a weapon by terrorists who could gain control of the groundwater supply. Attitude towards water is now about equal with that towards oil which is valued.
In addition to draining resources, literally, subsidence is also a big concern resulting from pumping water. Parts of the ground surrounding wells are collapsing. California is experiencing its ground sinking from inches to a foot per year.
There are no limits restricting the amount of water farmers are allowed to take. This is problematic especially because a lot of crops being grown require watering year-round such as almond trees.
A group that is taking action in the struggle for keeping us hydrated is commonly known as “Toilet to Tap”. The whole process takes almost an hour and yields water that is cleaner than the water that we already drink and use. The water goes through processes like reverse osmosis which to purify the water. Even though Orange County has already taken steps and implemented laws allowing this, it is estimated that it will take up to 25 years to fully incorporate this concept into our lives.
60 Minutes: Water Outsourcing
16 November 2014
The population of the world has about doubled in the last half century, but resources are not replenishing at the same rate. Places such as Central Valley, California, that are impacted by the California drought, heavily rely on the use of aquifers.
The wells are described as saving accounts that are drawn from when times call, but they need to be replenished. Farmers remain optimistic that this will happen after the drought ends, but some aquifers will take 10-100s of years to fill back to their original amount.
Currently, drilling into the ground twice as deep as before is required to keep up with the demand of farmers which is about the length of the Empire State Building. Professionals are consistently measuring the groundwater levels by dropping a tape measure into holes. When one hole was measured, it showed a five foot drop in the span of only a month.
Previously, tape measures were the only means of measuring this data, but a 2002 experimental program called GRACE (Gravity Recovery and Climate Experiment) has proven successful. GRACE has two satellites that relay the gravitational pull throughout the earth. Water has mass, so it affects the gravitational pull which can produce a map the water level around the globe.
A director of national intelligence reported in 2012 that “many countries important to the United States will experience water problems that will risk instability and state failure…” He continues by expressing the fear that water could be used as a weapon by terrorists who could gain control of the groundwater supply. Attitude towards water is now about equal with that towards oil which is valued.
In addition to draining resources, literally, subsidence is also a big concern resulting from pumping water. Parts of the ground surrounding wells are collapsing. California is experiencing its ground sinking from inches to a foot per year.
There are no limits restricting the amount of water farmers are allowed to take. This is problematic especially because a lot of crops being grown require watering year-round such as almond trees.
A group that is taking action in the struggle for keeping us hydrated is commonly known as “Toilet to Tap”. The whole process takes almost an hour and yields water that is cleaner than the water that we already drink and use. The water goes through processes like reverse osmosis which to purify the water. Even though Orange County has already taken steps and implemented laws allowing this, it is estimated that it will take up to 25 years to fully incorporate this concept into our lives.
60 Minutes: Water Outsourcing
math
Stairs Problem
1:a) Can you make a stair-like structure using exactly 1176 blocks? If so, how many columns will there be? b) Can you make the same structure using 2628 pieces? If so, how many columns? c) If there are 98 columns, how many blocks are there?
2: Blocks=b, toothpicks=t, columns=c, b=t
a)To solve the problem, I first had to find an equation to figure out how many columns there will be for any given amount of blocks. After trial and error, I discovered a pattern
Blocks=b, toothpicks=t, columns=c, b=t
b=(c+1)x(c/2)
b=1176
1176=(c+1)(c/2)
2352=(c+1)xc
2352=c^2+c
c^2+c-2352=0
a^2+b+c=0
a=1, b=1, c=-2352
(-b+or-square root of b^2-4ac)/2a
(-1+ or - square root of 1^2-4x1x2352)/2x1
-1+ or - square root of 9416/2
(-1I or - 97)/2
c= 48 or 49
b) (c+1)(c/2)=2628
c^2+c=5256
c=72 c=73
c) (c+1)(c/2)=
(98+1)(98/2)=
99x49=
4851
3:a) The answer is 48 because when I substituted each in, 49 was too high of a number, but 48 made it equal to 1176. b) The answer is 72 columns because 73 is too many and 72 works. c) 4851 blocks. For all of the equations, I know they’re right because I checked by substitution.
4: At first, this problem was difficult because I couldn’t find an equation or pattern. After I saw the pattern because Roberto helped me and was able to form an equation, it wasn’t as hard. When I saw that I could factor to solve the equation, it was really easy. I would give myself 15 points for solving the equation and helping my peers solve it too.
1:a) Can you make a stair-like structure using exactly 1176 blocks? If so, how many columns will there be? b) Can you make the same structure using 2628 pieces? If so, how many columns? c) If there are 98 columns, how many blocks are there?
2: Blocks=b, toothpicks=t, columns=c, b=t
a)To solve the problem, I first had to find an equation to figure out how many columns there will be for any given amount of blocks. After trial and error, I discovered a pattern
Blocks=b, toothpicks=t, columns=c, b=t
b=(c+1)x(c/2)
b=1176
1176=(c+1)(c/2)
2352=(c+1)xc
2352=c^2+c
c^2+c-2352=0
a^2+b+c=0
a=1, b=1, c=-2352
(-b+or-square root of b^2-4ac)/2a
(-1+ or - square root of 1^2-4x1x2352)/2x1
-1+ or - square root of 9416/2
(-1I or - 97)/2
c= 48 or 49
b) (c+1)(c/2)=2628
c^2+c=5256
c=72 c=73
c) (c+1)(c/2)=
(98+1)(98/2)=
99x49=
4851
3:a) The answer is 48 because when I substituted each in, 49 was too high of a number, but 48 made it equal to 1176. b) The answer is 72 columns because 73 is too many and 72 works. c) 4851 blocks. For all of the equations, I know they’re right because I checked by substitution.
4: At first, this problem was difficult because I couldn’t find an equation or pattern. After I saw the pattern because Roberto helped me and was able to form an equation, it wasn’t as hard. When I saw that I could factor to solve the equation, it was really easy. I would give myself 15 points for solving the equation and helping my peers solve it too.